She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
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So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
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GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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