At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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