My sheets look like a crime scene.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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