I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
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Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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