Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
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You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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