so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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