stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
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At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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