that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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