So drunk its hurt
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
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That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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