Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
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He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
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And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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