I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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