I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
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Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
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In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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