You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
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He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
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Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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