she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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