I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
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I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
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I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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