and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
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I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
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I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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