dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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