the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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