either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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