Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize