i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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