It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
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I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
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they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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