im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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