I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
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That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
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Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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