I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
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how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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