so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
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I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
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I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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