the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
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I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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