that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dignity is for republicans.
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He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
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These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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