He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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