I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
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Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
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After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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