If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
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I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
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All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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