so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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