Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
why is half of my head shaved?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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