You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
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you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
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This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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