I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
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SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
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he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Dear god my vagina.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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