saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
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I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
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Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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