I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
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he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
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hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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