An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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