I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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