happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize