oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
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They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
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I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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