So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
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we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
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dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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