my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize