The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
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Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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