I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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