im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
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Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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