Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
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We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
50% drunk capacity currently
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
did i just pee glitter
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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