at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize