I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
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I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
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How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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