I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
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It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
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He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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